What Matters Most

When we lose something that matters to us a lot in life, it is the hardest experience to go through. And I don't know which is harder - to let go of what isn't working because of some external challenges that you have no control over, or to let go of something that you treasure, but which stopped working for you because of your own inner process of growth and change. You know that it is in your own power to push the stop button. You know that you need to start moving in a different direction, your destination point is not ahead of you any more, and you need to get off this train. You did not get on the train by mistake or by some willful life force - it was your own decision and even desire to take this ride, and for a while it was a wonderful ride. But then you started noticing the signs that it isn't going to get you where you ultimately want to be, and it gets harder and harder to ignore those signs. No matter how much you enjoyed the ride, no matter how much you invested in it, you know - it just isn't working for you any longer. It is an extremely difficult decision to make. It takes all your inner strength and courage. The weight of the fear of the unknown along with the sense of responsibility for your own life and for those lives which inevitably will be touched by this decision of yours, are simply overwhelming, and sometimes it freezes you for a few months, or maybe a few years even. It's hard to make this decision. It's hard to let go.

I faced such difficult decisions a few times in my life. And every single time, I push the stop button, despite the agony I go through inside of myself. Do you want to know why? Because to me, the agony of living a life that does not feel genuine, does not feel true to myself, is simply unimaginable. As some might say, better put me to sleep. At first I thought that it was all about honesty. But then I noticed that there are people who are honest enough with themselves (maybe not with others, maybe they put on a brave face, but that's another matter) - they do not pretend to themselves. And yet, they live a life that is not genuine, that is not built from within. And I realized that not lying to ourselves is simply not enough. We need to pack up all our courage and take a step forward. We need to break out of the mold, to take the heavy weight of expectations off of our shoulders. We need to break free and start living the life that we truly want for ourselves, it is as simple as that. Some will say, it's all just a pretty fairy tale. Oh well. If there is one thing nobody would argue with, it is our freedom to pick our beliefs. That freedom, surely is totally ours. Personally, I started dropping those beliefs that don't make me happy - that don't help me grow. They get way too heavy to carry around.

I definitely made certain choices that did not lead me to the inner happiness that I sought. I'm well aware that some of our choices are extremely difficult to undo, and others are impossible to undo. So here it is. What's done is done, and I have no regrets. I choose to move forward. Better later than never. Better to move than to be stuck. One of the hardest decisions in my life was to leave my first marriage. I did not marry to divorce. I never planned to divorce. My parents did not divorce. "Good people don't divorce". I had to overcome many, many difficult, internal rules on the way to finding what rang true to me. And you know, years later, despite all the difficulties and unhappiness caused by that relationship, I sometimes want to kiss my ex-husband. Not for all those good things that we had in our time together, but rather for all that went wrong. Because it formed me, it brought me to myself like nothing else did. It definitely taught me the extreme importance of being true to myself, and I was pretty good at that to begin with, but you know what they say - there is always room to grow. 

Take parenting as an example. If there is anything certain about it, it's that we are all uncertain, we constantly question ourselves, we can't just go to college to get a degree in parenting, nobody prepared us for it, so we just take one step at a time, and learn as we go. We make mistakes, and a lot of times we can't really undo them, it's all one big unknown, one huge life experiment, but we stick with it, trusting that everything will turn out well, and let go of our worries. Because if we don't, we just drive ourselves and others crazy.

Anya had her annual performance this past weekend. Technically speaking, she only had half of a year to study, because she took a break from dance. But she took her very first class when she barely turned three, and ever since then, she takes dance, art and acting classes, on and off, over and over again. It's an amazing experience to watch her grow as a person (and as a dancer), to watch her confidence grow, not just her skills, and to help and witness this incredible process of being Anya.

Anya's recital - June 2015.

But raising her also teaches me to be more patient with myself. Maybe the things that matter to me don't grow as fast as I'd like them to, and maybe in some important-to-me ways, I'm still a wobbly toddler, despite the silver temples on my head. But Anya was not born with the skills to speak, read, write or dance, and look at her now! So I put my best foot forward and take little steps, one at a time.

Anya's first recital - May 2006.

I'm happily joining Patti's Visible Monday - the last party before the Summer break, and this is certainly the party not to be missed! Over a year ago, beautiful Ann of Blue Hue Wonderland, like a good fairy, took my hand and introduced me to Patti's Visible Mondays where I found a lot of friends, just like Ann said I would. So if you are a new blogger who wonders off this wide land that I like to call Bloglandia, make sure to come back to Visible Mondays after the Summer break - the magical place where everyone is welcomed and greeted like a good old friend! 

And since we are here celebrating, here is a gift to you!

Please stop by a new version of the eShakti web site before June 21, 2015 to get $35 off your order! 

GC CODE: WRITERSCLOSET35  Valid till 06/21/2015
Enter this code in the 'Gift Coupon / Referral Code' box at checkout
Only one gift coupon can be used in an order
Not valid on previous purchases / purchase of gift cards.
This gift coupon cannot be transferred, re-issued or exchanged for cash.

If you remember my post Dream Dress and Dinner Theater from early May, I wrote about this wonderful company, founded here in Seattle, that offers you customized clothing sizes 0 to 36W. They are truly wonderful to work with, the whole experience was fun and easy, and now they updated the look of their site. The site was already very easy to use, but now it also looks fresh and modern.

 As you enter it, you'll see an intro which gives you clear info on all the different ways you can add your own character to the clothes eShakti designs for you: you can choose your own unique sizing by providing your measurements which will guarantee  better fit, or even alter the style by choosing your own neckline, sleeves and length. 

The home page offers you fresh style ideas and current offers and discounts, as well as new clothing categories, just recently added to the site: Jumpsuits, Shorts, Pants - all of which can be made for your unique measurements.

Finally, there are also theme lines added: Contemporary, Bohemian, Retro Modern... there is always something to everyone's taste!

I think the photos got larger which is a big plus. The site is very enjoyable to browse, and I spotted quite a few new styles that stole my heart. 

Enjoy this generous offer and please remember it is valid until June 21st. 

Please note that I will benefit from the purchases made with this unique gift code - WRITERSCLOSET35 - basically, I will get points in the form of a gift card from eShakti. 

Happy Summer to everyone!

My outfit:

Skirt and blouse - Isabel Toledo for Lane Bryant

Shoes - Josef Seibel

Purse old

Jewelry - gifts and thrift finds

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