Exposed

I was debating with myself about what to wear with this happy orange stripy turtleneck which I have had for ages, it seems, and suddenly remembered this skirt I bough last Spring because I really loved the color. I started paying attention to Lane Bryant back then. I think before last Spring, I might have bought a thing or two from them (in case you don't know - it is one of a few American brands which designs clothes for women specifically in plus sizes, 14 and up). That in itself is a curious subject. As a gal who was on both sides, a regular 6-8 US, and gradually over the last few years grew into 16-18 US, I know a little too well how difficult this transition can be.

You say that 40+ women are better style bloggers 'cause they know themselves better than when they were in their 20s? They learned everything about their personalities and their bodies, what looks good on them and what doesn't? Their style became more refined, more sophisticated, more mature with years? Maybe some 40+ women. But it is not my story at all. I feel like a baby fashionista at 40. I am learning almost everything from scratch.

First of all, it is not so easy psychologically to just admit to yourself that you need clothing of a bigger size. Your mind refuses to recognize your new body size. So you try to squeeze your bigger self into familiar numbers until you realize that the clothes looks ridiculous on you. Then you look for bigger number... 10... 12... 14... until the last one (which is the last one on "regular size" racks) is too small to feel comfortable, not to mention to look pretty. The next thing you know is the dreadful "plus size" store is now your best friend.

Krasnoyarsk, Russia. Summer of 1999 (I am 26 y.o.)

Divnogorsk, Russia, Summer of 1999 (I am 26 y.o.)

In previous years, as a lucky owner of an hourglass figure, I don't remember having any troubles with clothes I chose fitting me - it seemed like no matter what I put on myself, it all looked really nice... if not pretty gorgeous, darn it. But all of the sudden, the reflection I saw in the mirror did not bring me joy any more. So I just started wearing mostly something loose to hide my body. I stopped having a full length mirror in my home. I just did not want to look at me any more. But something changed when I turned 40, or rather a little before that. Of course, I had some very nice items (I still wear and love some of them) during those "lost" years. Mostly though, dark blue jeans or black flare pants with a sweater, blouse or nice jacket. Very few skirts. All of them were midi A-line skirts. While I used to be such a pencil skirt kind of girl before! They are simple, easy, elegant and very sexy. And they go with anything! I love them. Last Spring, I bought this Lane Bryant orange pencil skirt - for the first time in probably 8 years. This skirt is somewhat a symbol to me - a symbol of my newly reborn interest in... myself as a woman, not a personality (never lost that interest), not as an artist (this only got stronger and clearer in the last few years), but as a woman, still young and still attractive woman - with changed, bigger, almost unfamiliar, but still beautiful body.

Tacoma, WA. Summer of 2013 (I am 40 y.o.)

  

Justin, who saw me through the whole transition, always sees me as a beautiful woman, and adores every single bit of me. And it really, really helps. Because other than him, nobody really does. Most of people are politely silent about my weight gain. Some of them decide that that is their full right to inform me about how much I've changed. Some others decide to advise me how to loose weight. There are a few friends who still compliment me when I dress up. But mostly it is silence... for years. In my 20s, almost not one day passed by without a compliment or two. And it affects you. A couple of words can brighten your day. If you are sad - they would cheer you up. If you are happy - they would bring you even more joy.

Tacoma, WA. Summer of 2013

I know that the most important though is the way you see yourself. And I began the journey of accepting my new body shape and size. Slowly, gradually, with lots of ups and downs. But I am getting there.

You may take any attitude towards "commercial" style bloggers you want, but I can tell you that without these two I am not sure how I'd get where I am now. Tanesha Awasthi of Girl With Curves and Stephanie Zwicky of Le Blog De Big Beauty opened my eyes and helped me to accept my new self. We practically became best buddies last Summer. (Of course, they don't know about it.) I went through probably most of their posts (and they posted a lot! especially Stephanie), admiring their courage, willingness to share and to inspire others, and of course their feminine style and in both cases what I consider a timeless beauty. Later I found many, many amazing, warm, talented, open, fun stylish women who blog about their style and themselves. Even a few months ago I had no idea about their existence. But those two were amongst very first style bloggers I discovered - both not in their 20s and both not wearing size 2... or even 8. To me, they are real women. Not "commercial". Not just successful bloggers. Real women.

So, waiting passionately for the spring, I found this skirt yesterday. I ironed it. I put it on. I felt so pretty! I totally forgot though the very reason why I haven't worn it more than I have. Even though I love the color very much, the fabric is a big disappointment. The skirt wrinkles way too easily and it is so clingy! The best way to wear it would be basically to iron it, put it on and just stand like I do on these pictures. :) No, thanks, not for me. :) Standing is good. But I also enjoy walking. And I pretty much drive every day (unless I have no places to go and feel lazy, then I can stay home, but I don't need a pencil skirt for that!) So this skirt now is my first candidate for donating. Fit is another problem. I am still learning how to find clothing which would fit me right. But I'll get there too.

It was a lovely, very changeable day with sun in and out every few seconds, with wind... Still cold for exposed legs. But I'm daring. And I am brave.

On the lighter note - look who wanted to be in a photo shoot! My old, old friend! She remembers me when I was probably 4 or 5 years old!

Let me introduce you to my friend. This is Lena, and she used to be my favorite doll when I was little. I didn't have many... 5 or 6 perhaps. Lena for years was my number one. I loved her so much - I chewed on her fingers, they are all squished and wrinkly now. I brushed her hair so many times - she lost all of them on the upper part! (That's why she wears her bandana now - or косынка in Russian... yes, bad hair day is for dolls too!) She lost half of her eyelashes (I bet I had something to do with that too) and all of her original clothes, so when I asked my Mom to bring one of my two favorite dolls here, so Anya can play and I can have my childhood memories, Mom got creative! She asked our neighbor to tailor make new clothes for my old beloved doll! Can you imagine? She is now very stylish - Nadia (the tailor) did an amazing job! (I have to say it - even the little underwear is so adorable, in matching fabric!) Strangely enough, I remember Lena having darker hair though... and being taller... I wonder, what's with that? :) 

Skirt - Lane Bryant. Turtleneck - Chico's (old). Belt - Target. Coat - my auntie made for me in 90s (the whole post about it here). Stilettos - Sam Edelman. Ring, necklace, earrings - boutique and vintage (all old).

Location - Renton